how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
