I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
