Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
