I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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