3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
