does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
