smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
