you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
