he thought i was a dude.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
