Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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