I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
