You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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