Banned from zoo.
Again?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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