another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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