It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i drank out of a bidet.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
