I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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