oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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