Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
