Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
