dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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