she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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