the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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