I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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