It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
