Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
