We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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