How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
