i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
