your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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