where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
