why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
