Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
