Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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