My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
