god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think my vagina is haunted
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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