there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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