He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
