shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
