What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
