one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Did you pee in the oven last night??
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
