What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
