saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
