Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
