you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
