ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
