The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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