when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
