Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
