How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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