sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
