Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
