Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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